I'm seriously furious right now. so letting you know if you get offended easily from language, being blunt/ brutally honest, or graphic imagine/ thoughts please don't read further!
But this must come to a STOP!!! (Push play on this song as you read this post)
I'm lived right now and I'm afraid things must be said for things to change and i hope this gives some insight or help to someone who needs it!
the title of my blog might of caught your attention. (Bitch,.... how can i be like you?) let me explain this a little further.
The name bitch is the name people have referred me by from the lack of opening myself up and keeping reserved, For me taking a stand in what i believe in to be true or simply the fact that i don't care what people have to say about me. This does not mean i am stuck up it simply means i know who i am and no one is going to change me
As for the second part and this is the part that gets me .... how can i be like you? really? seriously? i give my advice and then you just tell me I'm a bitch. I'm sorry i know a thing or 2 about life! I'm sick of people telling me they just want to die or they wish they where as lucky as me to have a love like mine. ya every thing might seem like rainbows and butterflies from where you see it but please don't say this things to me or judge me you have no idea what i have been threw and words from me telling you what I've endured is just the surface. just imagine if you will the person you love most in the world. now imagine that person saving your life by telling you to move right as they are the one getting ran over and you hear them cry out your name as there last breath then you see there broken bloody body laying there. tell me what would you do!? so don't sit there and judge me on the way i am when you have no idea or can even imagine what I've been threw you may think you can imagine the pain but you really don't its a thousand times worse and seeing a sight like that seriously messes with you. this is the reason I'm so tough this is the reason i wake up every morning thinking is this the day i get to see him again but it isn't its another day you have to live and you live that day to the fullest.
so don't you dare sit there and lecture me on my mistakes, the things I do and believe and make me want to have pity on you! And i for sure am not asking for pity on me! I don't need it, i don't want it, and i wont take it! you have no idea what its like to want to die....i think about it on a daily basis! but i don't do anything about it cuz the only thing keeping me going is knowing Joel would be proud of me for going on and making myself happy! Also there must be a reason im still here and im figuring that out. There are so many things in this world that are beautiful you just have to have the right frame of mind about things. Take chances, risks so not a moment goes by you wont regret. I've always been a person to fight for something i want and the new thing i am fighting for is my new motto " Fight to live!"
yes i am lucky to have a love like ours but it didn't come cheap! me and Joel went threw hell and beyond and several times of attempting to walk away it took us 4 years to finally be together and it was brutally hard but it was worth it love didn't come easy but in the long run its the only thing keeping me going knowing our love can with stand anything!
So I'm sorry to the many friends i have been harsh with about this but really life is not that bad! you honestly just have to find something that makes you happy and just fight for that. and to those who are in the pits of darkness thinking there is no way out. Just stop! take each day as if it was your last and take baby steps to pick your self up and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel! believe me from not knowing how i was going to live each day and now almost 2 years later where has the time gone. I love who i am and the tough strong woman i have become, I love my life and from seeing me and my high spirits you would never know or imagine my heart still hurts alot but that's the key you cant worry about what people think of you at the end of the day your stuck with yourself and if you cant love yourself how can anyone else! I know for a fact this isn't easy you just have to live each day as if its your last and make that day amazing!
Sorry if i seem like I'm chewing people out but seriously I know everyone is in there own kinda pain or hardship but wouldn't it make life a lot easier if you learn to love yourself so you can help others do the same?.
Today is a year since Ive seen my sweet husbands face.Surprisingly I woke up in the hour when the events of last year occurred. This year has been off and on of emotions but felt like Ive grown stronger everyday..... well this week has been a mess of emotions memories coming back, conversations we had, every last detail is in my head as clear as day its like dejavu.
This year has gone by so fast its been a blur. There are so many things Ive been slacking off on and can only hear Joel's voice saying "Babe!!!!" like he would every time getting after me ha ha! I want to start getting back on track and doing the things that made us both happy. Its been a long trek this year trying to figure out how to live life with out my best friend and one I love most the last 5 years. I don't remember what life was like before him. So its been quite a challenge to try and remain myself yet grow without him and figure out what I want in life again and to be able to hope and dream again.
Joel I miss you so much not a day goes by that your not in my head and heart. I miss coming home and making dinner for us and being able to relax and cuddle while talking about our day. I miss laughing at people and funny little things that no one else understand. "your the yellow bird Ive been waiting for, now I'm drunk as hell on a piano bench. the sound of loneliness's makes me happier" this is a line from one of our favorite songs by bright eyes. How we would just discus lyrics and what they meant to us and how we relate to them. Your are my soul mate. you constantly amaze me and every time you picked up the guitar it was like you where plucking the strings of my heart and would constantly make me cry with your beautiful music, oh the fun we would have playing and singing and perfecting out songs together. The crazy random adventures that no one would be up to I miss you with all my heart. Words cant express how my heart feels.
I'm very grateful for our pups they seriously are like our kids! Its funny how well they know me and know what I need. As i was crying today both my pups came and crawled into bed with me and just put there head on me to comfort me. Without them I think I would go crazy. I love my little family. I'm so glad Joel left them for me to comfort me and in a small way let me know that hes still here to love me threw them and our funny little ways we would all play together. Thank you to all the friends and family who have been there to comfort me and have late night talks with and to have a shoulder to cry on! Also just want to say sorry if iv avoided anyone i seriously hate crying in front of anyone but thanks for your love and prayers. I know Joel would be very grateful for all your support to me and our family's to help overcome the pain.
I love you forever and always babe! I cant wait tell I'm able to see your face again and be able to hold you so tight and kiss you. I will never want to let you go. Life is tough but I know your still near me to push me to do every little thing.
I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU, I LOVE YOU!
FOREVER & ALWAYS
MY LOVE, MY BEST FRIEND, MY PARTNER IN CRIME, MY UNIVERSE, MY SOUL MATE
MY ETERNAL COMPANION
MY HUSBAND
JOEL
Thursday, December 20, 2012
12/21/2012
well a little of whats been on my mind lately we all know the Aztec calender predicts the end of the world is the 21st of December witch is Friday!!!
I have mixed feelings about this!?
I really dont want the world to end, there is so much that I want to do and become before it is my time. I have to many goals. First since Joels been gone ive been a little lost and want to become the wife, and woman I was even though it is hard without him here but want to become that girl again. I need to find me again and be able to do the things we loved to do without being scared of doing them with out him. Such as go camping, hiking, skydiving, rock climbing, play guitar more ext. I want to feel fearless again I dont like this feeling of worry but its a bit hard to do this fearless things without my partner in crime! But something that I must concur on my own!
But then again???!!!???
If it was the end of the world then things would still be good! I would finaly get to be with my love again!!! Just think about it 1 day away from seeing the person I love the most after not seeing him for 7 months brings so much joy to my heart! But me being me I try not to get excited about stuff so if it doesnt happen im not let down! (plus unfortunantly I dout the world will really end on friday) I know thats sad I dont get excited about stuff but I do have an active imagination that gets me so worked up and excited that if it doesnt meet my expectations im sad so I try to tone it down lol. but just the thought if I coud be a day away from Joel would make me the happiest person ever! I miss him extreamly!
Well a couple hours away we will know the out come. Either way will be ok but if I had to chose.... I hope the Aztecs are right!!!!
(p.s. This post was not entended to make you feel sad! Just to look at the end of the world when ever that may be in a diffrent light. Its nothing to be worked up or scared about. In fact its something you should be looking forward to!)
The last 6 months have been hard but here are the things that have been keeping me busy and adding a little fun into my life.
Ive gone to Vegas 4 times with friends and to spend time with my cousin!
Ive ran 2, 5k's and had a blast with those and I now want to train to do a marathon with my uncle and just keep running and working out since that was a huge part of mine and Joel's life.
Went to one of Joel's favorite bands Dead Can Dance. That was so much fun going!
Went to the state fair with some friends and had a blast riding rides and eating there yummy treats.
Then my favorite time of year came Halloween!!! I went to some haunted houses which make me laugh more than scare me.
Also took a random trip to the capital building.
Sunday, August 12, 2012
once upon a time....
There was a girl she fought for what she knew was true! she one day meet a man who she could see her self be with forever. even though she was with this man off and on for about 4 years and have been threw hell and back because of each other she fought! in her head was this image of one day dressed all in white hand in hand with him even though this thought and reality was so far away and nearly looked impossible at times she held on to a strand of hope....that strand broke one day when she had enough and was leaving. this man knelt down on both knees asking her to stay and be with him forever! It took a day or two for this girl to stand face to face to him and ask him to ask the question again where as she then replied yes!
Married for 11 months and excited as can be going threw life day by day with our normal routine. holing each other in bed and talking about what life would be like. asking questions to why no one liked doing the same things we did. so glad to be with her best friend and knowing whatever he wanted to do she did and what ever she wanted to do he did! a glorious day of camping then turned into a tragedy! her best friend was gone!
setting off on a journey by herself trying to make sense of it all? friends and family along the way trying to help her to get back on her feet. months are passed and just about everyone is gone. she feels the urge to fight and keep moving on! yet everyday is hard and people she wishes she could talk to have also left! as she sits here writing this story deep in thought she replays from the day of the tragedy to present day reflecting to the things that have made her happy since everything has happened from meeting new people, dancing, swimming, hiking, loving. yet she sits here asking herself not mad at her love nore God but asking how can things be happy again when I fight so hard for it to come??? the happy times come and go and they never end up staying. Its hard to get her opinions across when no one understands her odd point of view. both her and her love thought out of the box and came up with fun crazy things to do and make fun of.
there is nothing really to do to change anything she has realized. The only thing that can make her happy and keep her close to her love even though hes gone is music! Time to pick up the guitar once again and finish writing the million songs she has writen. time to finish what we stared with the "13 love songs" I love you Joel thank you for changing my life and for always being there for me to help me keep moving forward. even thought your not physicaly here i know your still here with me everyday making sure im ok and trying to reach my full potintiol. Forever & Always. thank you for helping me not to get lost and for constantly saying in my head "BABE CALM DOWN WHATS THE PLAN?" I hated when you said that to me but so glad it keeps playing in my head!
Now I must sit here and ask that question..."whats the plan?" a tough question but the plan is to be with the people who truely care for me, to love my pups they are my kids, to go on adventures and be spontanious, to do the things I really want to do, take chances, maybe one day fall in love? but i guess for now and most importantly love myself and never ever forget and always keep our love alive!!!!
lifes to short to not take chances who wants to live in a world where there is only what if's?
Thursday, August 2, 2012
Its been a while since I have writen.... I dont even know where to start or even know what to say or even beggin to share whats on my mind......
I guess I'll start with I ran my first 5k on the 4th of July! it was so much fun and am planning on running 2 more the upcoming month with one of my best friends Brittany! I need to start working out again back to my 5 days a week haha
My friends then took me out for my birthday it was quite fun!
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Angles on Earth!!!
Its just about a month that Joel has been gone. It still doesn't feel real and just taking it day by day. Ive had ups and downs and want to thank the friends and family that have called, email, and hung out with me. it means alot to know people are still checking in and truly care.
Ive been writing this lady in Australia that Joel knew she has gone threw a bit of the same stuff I have since she lost her husband almost 14 years ago. Ive never meet her before but I feel like I have and love her dearly I hope I will be able to go over there some day and just give her a big hug! because of the time difference if I'm laying in bed unable to sleep she is most likely online since its day there and she helps me make it threw the night. shes literally an angle on earth sent to my by Joel. I'm so thankful for my close friends who text me daily and talk to me all day about random, and personal stuff. To my work friends I love them so much for making me laugh daily and feel like nothing is wrong and a normal person again!
To my family no matter if we have had our differences we put them all aside and show each other we love and are there for each other and that means the world to me I love them so much! my parents and brother and his family i love dearly they are always there for me. My brother has been one of my best friends growing up and he has always protected me. he has helped me with questions i have and the love he has shown is amazing. MY Larson Family! I'm so glad Joel gave me a sister and 3 brothers and extra parents I didn't grow up in a big family but knowing I'm a part of them and always will be brings so much joy to my heart I absolutely love them and feel like myself around them!
Joel, he was and still is my angle! he is my hero for all that he has done in his life and all the amazing things he has done to show me he loves me and only me! We have gone threw so much for each other pain, joy, forgiveness, and eternal love
God sends us angles on earth in forms of friends and family! I thank you all and love you very much!
