I'm seriously furious right now. so letting you know if you get offended easily from language, being blunt/ brutally honest, or graphic imagine/ thoughts please don't read further!
But this must come to a STOP!!! (Push play on this song as you read this post)
I'm lived right now and I'm afraid things must be said for things to change and i hope this gives some insight or help to someone who needs it!
the title of my blog might of caught your attention. (Bitch,.... how can i be like you?) let me explain this a little further.
The name bitch is the name people have referred me by from the lack of opening myself up and keeping reserved, For me taking a stand in what i believe in to be true or simply the fact that i don't care what people have to say about me. This does not mean i am stuck up it simply means i know who i am and no one is going to change me
As for the second part and this is the part that gets me .... how can i be like you? really? seriously? i give my advice and then you just tell me I'm a bitch. I'm sorry i know a thing or 2 about life! I'm sick of people telling me they just want to die or they wish they where as lucky as me to have a love like mine. ya every thing might seem like rainbows and butterflies from where you see it but please don't say this things to me or judge me you have no idea what i have been threw and words from me telling you what I've endured is just the surface. just imagine if you will the person you love most in the world. now imagine that person saving your life by telling you to move right as they are the one getting ran over and you hear them cry out your name as there last breath then you see there broken bloody body laying there. tell me what would you do!? so don't sit there and judge me on the way i am when you have no idea or can even imagine what I've been threw you may think you can imagine the pain but you really don't its a thousand times worse and seeing a sight like that seriously messes with you. this is the reason I'm so tough this is the reason i wake up every morning thinking is this the day i get to see him again but it isn't its another day you have to live and you live that day to the fullest.
so don't you dare sit there and lecture me on my mistakes, the things I do and believe and make me want to have pity on you! And i for sure am not asking for pity on me! I don't need it, i don't want it, and i wont take it! you have no idea what its like to want to die....i think about it on a daily basis! but i don't do anything about it cuz the only thing keeping me going is knowing Joel would be proud of me for going on and making myself happy! Also there must be a reason im still here and im figuring that out. There are so many things in this world that are beautiful you just have to have the right frame of mind about things. Take chances, risks so not a moment goes by you wont regret. I've always been a person to fight for something i want and the new thing i am fighting for is my new motto " Fight to live!"
yes i am lucky to have a love like ours but it didn't come cheap! me and Joel went threw hell and beyond and several times of attempting to walk away it took us 4 years to finally be together and it was brutally hard but it was worth it love didn't come easy but in the long run its the only thing keeping me going knowing our love can with stand anything!
So I'm sorry to the many friends i have been harsh with about this but really life is not that bad! you honestly just have to find something that makes you happy and just fight for that. and to those who are in the pits of darkness thinking there is no way out. Just stop! take each day as if it was your last and take baby steps to pick your self up and you will see the light at the end of the tunnel! believe me from not knowing how i was going to live each day and now almost 2 years later where has the time gone. I love who i am and the tough strong woman i have become, I love my life and from seeing me and my high spirits you would never know or imagine my heart still hurts alot but that's the key you cant worry about what people think of you at the end of the day your stuck with yourself and if you cant love yourself how can anyone else! I know for a fact this isn't easy you just have to live each day as if its your last and make that day amazing!
Sorry if i seem like I'm chewing people out but seriously I know everyone is in there own kinda pain or hardship but wouldn't it make life a lot easier if you learn to love yourself so you can help others do the same?.
